Day 7 #pathways2resilience ~ Caroline

Special Feature Edition: Pathways to Resilience: Embracing our Vulnerability, Celebrating our Resilience

Caroline, is a stubborn runner, even in the midst of chemotherapy, she continued to run – seldom would you find someone in her condition to even make it round a small park, walking slowly. She believes that striding to achieve small goals, and stepping that inch out of your comfort zone, can help build resilience, slowly and steadily. Her small children love her; and we love her too.

For our month long feature #pathways2resilience we are thrilled that Caroline has submitted this new blog post:

Showing Breast Cancer Who’s The BOSS!


Being asked to write a piece showcasing resilience after a breast cancer diagnosis made me stop and reflect on the past 2 years. Have I really demonstrated resilience? Or is it just a ‘fu*k you cancer’ attitude, refusing to let cancer stop me doing the things I enjoy?  What exactly is resilience anyway?  According to the American Psychological Association resilience is defined as the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress — such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems or workplace and financial stressors. It means "bouncing back" from difficult experience.  Have I bounced back? From my perspective, if I am supposed to be a bouncy ball, the ball has most definitely bounced in a perpendicular direction to the path it was on previously, not back to where it came from. I think change is inevitable after a major trauma like an unexpected life threatening illness, so maybe by accepting that and not resisting it I am demonstrating resilience.

Life doesn’t stop just because you’ve got cancer. Having young children whilst going through chemo is exceptionally difficult. The outside world didn’t see the Caroline that couldn’t get out of bed, or change a nappy or do the school run. The outside world saw the Caroline who put on a brave face and tried her best to carry on as normal. However being resilient doesn’t mean not showing emotions, crying, or being unable to ask for help. The tears were few and far between but they were certainly there, and help was offered in abundance, and I quickly learnt to accept it and ask for it when needed.

How I dealt with my cancer diagnosis was never a conscious decision. It was never an act, or a choice to behave in a certain way. I truly was just being me, and coping with the shitty hand I had been given the only way I knew how. I find writing about my experience very cathartic, whether that’s by posting about my treatment on Facebook, writing poetry, journaling or writing the occasional blog. If anyone reads what I write then that’s great, and if my words help others then that really makes me happy.

As a species human beings are wired for connection. Something that has helped me enormously is meeting other women (and men) who have gone through the same thing I have and therefore ‘get it’. Whether that’s by meeting people in real life or in private Facebook groups, you always know that somewhere there is a friendly ear willing to listen to any concern, however mundane it may seem, and the act of being able to talk and accept support in itself strengthens resilience.

Learning to be kind to myself has been a challenge. Acknowledging that it is OK to treat myself nicely, even if that’s just by sitting on the sofa and reading my book before getting to the end of my never ending to do list, or saying no to people instead of always saying yes, has been hard. I am however learning that it’s OK to put myself first sometimes – everyone knows the oxygen mask analogy. 

To me, continuing to run whilst undergoing treatment doesn’t demonstrate resilience – that was pure stubbornness, which by its unyielding nature is probably the antithesis of resilience. I was determined to show cancer which one of us was the boss. As I’ve mentioned previously running provides me with an enormous amount of stress relief, so using cancer as an excuse not to run was never an option. I needed an outlet for my pain, anger, frustration and general pissed off-ness more than ever.  However it is recognised that having achievable goals can help build resilience, and for me my goal was to be up and out the door with my running shoes on 6 days after every chemo session. That gave me 2 weeks of running before chemo induced yuckness forced me back into my hole for a few days.  So although I didn’t realise it at the time, by setting and achieving a goal I did perhaps foster some resilience in myself.

I have definitely stepped out of my 'comfort zone' many times over the past 2 years, and every time I have felt stronger as a result of it. I have strutted my stuff on a cat walk (terrifying but fun), competed in 3 triathlons, and given a speech about my experience with cancer to 1500 people (amazing!) to name just a few.  Whilst I can’t stand the expression ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’, having cancer gave me the courage to do those things which in turn has made me stronger, so perhaps I do have to admit an indirect correlation between the two, even if I hate the words.

Finally, I have developed a regular meditation practice and participated in 2 mindfulness courses. This has allowed me to develop a sense of awe and appreciation for the simple things in life, whilst enabling me to experience the world through a fresh pair of eyes. I am very lucky in that I have a devoted husband and two amazing children who have been with me every step of the way. 

So am I resilient? Was I already resilient and has cancer just made me more so? Or am I just stubborn, determined and in possession of an abundance of grit? I am not sure I can answer that question, but what I do know is that I am continuing to learn more about myself every single day. 

#panningforgold #pathways2resilience

#bcresiliencecentre #breastcancerawareness

Day 6 #pathways2resilience ~ Jane

Pathways to Resilience: Embracing our Vulnerability, Celebrating our Resilience

"My proud moment...."

My proud moment this year was on my 54th birthday in May when I ran the Oxford Town and Gown 10km, a race I used to do annually pre diagnosis.

I had my name down to do it in May 2015 (last year) but my husband left me, suddenly that month (for another woman ...... great for the morale!!) and I lost a stone in weight, so running was out of the question.

This year I did it, which psychologically meant so much. At the time I was involved in a nasty divorce in High Court in London, just the kind of stress I needed, but running helped keep my head together. The divorce took my mind off the cancer(!!!!) and running took my mind off the divorce.

Following the race Jane wrote on her Facebook page:

“Today was a milestone for me, not just due to it being my birthday. I also took part in the Town & Gown race in Oxford this morning, which was psychologically a ‘big deal’ to me and the first time since my cancer diagnosis. I am not a competitive person by nature but am quite competitive with myself; always need to beat my previous time on my last race. I had hoped to do this run last year but personal circumstances meant I wasn't up to it.

So today was finally the day to see if I was back on form. I am never going to break any land speed records but I am pleased to say I took 2 minutes off my pre-cancer time.”

Thanks to Jane, another wonderful member of our centre, for sharing her resilience story with us for our month long feature.

#pathways2resilience #panningforgold

#bcresiliencecentre #breastcancerawareness

Day 5 #pathways2resilience ~ Georgina

Special Feature Edition: Pathways to Resilience: Embracing our Vulnerability, Celebrating our Resilience

From breast cancer to chronic pain and immobilisation: They did not stop me on the road to resilience

Breast cancer is a complex disease and its treatment can leave you with numerous disabilities like chronic fatigue, chemo-brain, bone pain, and radical menopausal symptoms including infertility to name a few. When treatment ends, the general expectation to be back to ‘normal’ is heavy going because while the cancer is toast, so are we, in an ocean of uncertainty and lack of resources we need to build blocks of resilience to stand up and keep going. Not only is it about what cancer does to the body and the mind, but what it can also rob us off, our dreams, our hopes and aspires for an adventurous, full life.

Georgina, an aspirational member of our group, talks about how she turned the vulnerability that she continues to face into her strength.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer on 4 August 2011. I was absolutely devastated, words cannot describe how I felt, even now. I had surgery, radiotherapy and chemotherapy. In the midst of all this, there were a number of family tragedies and losses, including my closest support. I coped somehow, almost on auto-pilot, during active treatment. However, not long after it ended, I fell apart, I felt completely broken, and grief-stricken. My face in the mirror and my whole life were unrecognisable to me from one year earlier. 

 Since that day in 2011, breast cancer had taken, directly or indirectly, virtually everything I had and loved. I wondered how I would go on (I had already suffered from severe depression since my teens, but had not had an episode for 8 years until the breast cancer.) I felt so alone, even if people were in the room. There was just no-one who could understand and there never would be again. Over and over, I even wished I had not made it through the first anaesthetic. Breast cancer is so complicated in many ways. It is not just one single event, but rather an ongoing, evolving issue throughout your life. 

Amidst the misery and loneliness, I threw myself into things I could still do, spending time by water (this always has a calming effect on me), holidays in my favourite village in North Yorkshire, days out, tending to my beautiful garden, walking my golden retrievers, albeit shorter walks than before. And all this, still within the scope of recurrent depressive episodes. I found relief in these activities, but the emotional rollercoaster continued, albeit a little more below the surface.

But five years later, contrary to expectations, I am still here, and, dare I say, relatively content.

After the cancer diagnosis, I suffered other cancer-related and non-cancer related conditions and diseases, with their various treatments all taking their toll. Early 2016, things took a bad turn as I started to suffer from severe pain in various parts of my body, feared to be bone metastasis, but since apparently proven otherwise. I had never experienced such pain in my life, not even during any of my cancer treatments. After 6 months of utter despair, tears and greatly reduced mobility, a pain relief solution was found and is ongoing. 

The loss of mobility was totally demoralising, I could no longer do the few things that BC had not already stripped me of, namely gardening, walking the dogs, and other outdoor activities. But, I believe, the human psyche is infinitely resilient and has an inherent way of harnessing adjustment and change. I thus turned to photographing my garden in great detail, sitting watching nature (lots where we live out in the sticks) and photographing my beloved dogs. I had about 20 glossy photo books made of my work, so satisfying.

Very significantly, earlier this year, I joined some support groups, including this one. These have most definitely changed my life and brought new purpose and direction. I scarcely have family or friends. But in the Resilience group I “chat” (online) to people who understand me and I understand them. When I first saw other ladies’ posts, I kept thinking “that’s exactly what I think”, “that’s exactly what I’m always saying”. It was almost as if I had written all the posts myself, things I had been thinking, feeling for years, but not having anyone who understood. Finally, a group where we all understand each other. This peer support has undoubtedly helped me through a hard year and is making me stronger and more resilient to life’s trials with each passing day. I believe joining this group has been a real turning point and hope that one day all BC patients will have such a resource from diagnosis onwards, helping them to build on their strengths, learn from each other and have a better quality of life, however long that life may be.

And to top it all, yesterday, I went out to a meal (first time out alone in years, due to BC, anxiety and general loss of confidence) and it was with these very members of Resilience, and I ENJOYED it. Yes, enjoyed! Yesterday was the start of a new period. Whatever happens, I know I will never feel alone again, despite the fact that BC is such an isolating disease. I will continue to grow in strength, develop more coping mechanisms and, as the group’s name suggests, ultimately become increasingly resilient; that is until nature, and nature alone, determines the end of my survival period.

#panningforgold #pathways2resilience

#bcresiliencecentre #breastcancerawareness

Day 4 #pathways2resilience ~ Marie

Special Feature Edition: Pathways to Resilience: Embracing our Vulnerability, Celebrating our Resilience

Throughout October, we are celebrating the different ways our members express their resilience following a diagnosis of breast cancer. Today's post for#pathways2resilience features the wonderful Marie, who made her dream a reality when she moved to Cyprus earlier this year:

"It has been my dream for many years to retire early and live in beautiful Cyprus. Following my breast cancer diagnosis last year I wasn't sure it would ever happen. I am very happy to say I moved to Cyprus last week and following my dream. Who knows what the future holds but for now life is good. So never give up on your dreams".

#panningforgold #pathways2resilience

#bcresiliencecentre #breastcancerawareness

Day 3 #pathways2resilience ~ Kirsty

Special Feature Edition: Pathways to Resilience: Embracing our Vulnerability, Celebrating our Resilience

Today, as part of #pathways2resilience our month long celebration of women's resilience following a breast cancer diagnosis, we are thrilled to introduce the amazing Kirsty:

"At 33 years old, having to deal with a potentially fatal dose of breast cancer was not part of my ‘plan’. "

Kirsty's blog, highlights her grit, her ability to grow and thrive and offers an inspiring account of how she found, not only that she is a gifted photographer, but also her voice.

Kirsty gives presentations for the charity Coppafeel, a breast cancer awareness charity which aims to educate young people on the signs and symptoms of breast cancer. Kirsty is also campaigning for better choice and range of post-surgery lingerie for women. She's also recently started her own pet photography business.

http://bcresiliencecentre.blogspot.com/2016/04/cancer-gave-me-voice-kirsty.html

#panningforgold #pathways2resilience

#bcresiliencecentre #breastcancerawareness

Day 2 #pathways2resilience ~ Naz

Special Feature Edition: Pathways to Resilience: Embracing our Vulnerability, Celebrating our Resilience

The other side of fear and the road to resilience: The becoming of the Centre for Building Resilience in Breast Cancer

When I was undergoing chemotherapy, I was not thinking of how I would be re-building the life that breast cancer had left me with. Rather, I was thinking of whether I will stay alive to see my daughter Ella, who was only three at the time, grow up and blossom in the many ways I was picturing her. My research, my students, and the history of my pioneering career like a fast train running before my eyes. Too fast for me to relive the moments. Where was this train going? The picture was blur. I stopped looking.

You can consider that the purpose of life is two-fold: to survive and to survive well. Now that I am three and a half years post diagnosis, I ask myself if the two are mutually exclusive. When survival is threatened by an incurable disease can the mind turn to bettering the quality of the uncertain time it has left? It will need much resilience and cognitive efficiency. How can it achieve this when it is exhausted, tortured, and highly vulnerable?

Breast cancer is the biggest cause of malignancy in women worldwide with increasing rates in younger women. In the UK alone, every 10 minutes a woman is diagnosed with breast cancer. Spectacular advancements in medicine enable women to live longer. But, the psychological cost of trauma and treatment related side effects continue to plague the lives of these women with fear of recurrence constituting a major threat to cognitive and emotional health, and rates of anxiety and depression looming high.

October 2, 2015, felt like the right time for me to rise to the challenge. My expertise on building resilience in anxiety and depressive vulnerability was to be extended and applied to a population in most need of it, women with breast cancer. Ladies who continue to thrive in spite of their vulnerability; who continue to work, look after their children and families and contribute to society in fruitful ways.

Today, we celebrate our resilience by embracing our vulnerability one year on. Our funded research continues to prosper findings that are shaping the way for future interventions to improve the quality of life in our lovely ladies. The road is windy and rocky at times but we are on the right path. The road to resilience has no ending, because we are learning how to turn our vulnerability into our strength. We will never break.

Along this path, I met Tamsin and Vicky, the two sisters I had longed for all my life, the deputy heads of our centre, who continue to support and flourish the centre and our private group in unimaginable ways. I met Jenny and Anita, our ambassadors, who bring much insight, guidance and interaction to our group. All our members: you are heart and soul of the centre. And Jess, my PhD student whose research is at the forefront of building resilience in women with breast cancer. I want to tell her, like I tell Ella, that I will be there in person or in spirit to see you rise to the star that you deserve to be.

#panningforgold #pathways2resilience

#bcresiliencecentre #breastcancerawareness

Day 1 #pathways2resilience ~ Launch

Pathways to Resilience: Embracing our Vulnerability, Celebrating our Resilience

All through October, the Centre for Building Resilience in Breast Cancer will be sharing a daily post showcasing the resilience of some of our members. We are absolutely delighted to be able to share the stories of women of all ages, with a primary or secondary diagnosis of breast cancer: these are the stories of our lives, of the psychological vulnerability that we continue to endure and the challenges that we bravely take on, becoming resilient, surviving to the best of our ability, making every day count.

Educated by scientific knowledge and practice into brain function and emotional health, we are all learning ways to turn our vulnerability into strength and flexibility, increasing our efficiency towards a more fulfilled life and they will be talking about their many stunning achievements.

Our members’ stories showcase how they continue to grow from the vulnerability that they take forward. They speak about how change in the face of uncertainty and fear when living with cancer, and the effects of cancer, is possible and how it is possible to attain change for the better, showing that psychological flexibility towards resilience can be achieved. The resilience challenge is tough and sometimes perceived as unattainable due to the vulnerability that breast cancer leaves us with, but it can be practiced. This is our Centre’s aim - to practice resilience while enduring our sensitivity.

Read each of our incredible our members stories to find out how they have each achieved this.

We thank them all for their dedicated efforts and their support of this project.

#panningforgold #pathways2resilience

#bcresiliencecentre #breastcancerawareness